Stitches
by TJ Dragonblade
Summary: Sai tries to cope with unfamiliar feelings while Yamato is out of the village. YamaSai. Posted in honor of Sai's birthday. This version slightly edited in compliance with the TOS. Second in the 'Sai's Emotions' series following 'Seized'.


_Your absence has gone through me  
Like thread through a needle.  
Everything I do is stitched with its color._  
~"Separation" by W.S. Merwin

~~~***~~~  
The first night, sleep eluded him almost entirely. Sai spent a long time shifting against the sheets, trying to alleviate the odd sense of restlessness stirring in his gut. It was peculiar, how strange it felt to be in his own bed; he and Yamato had established a sexual relationship some time ago and recently he had started sleeping in Yamato's bed nearly every night.

His own apartment seemed silent and empty, now, his bed almost...foreign, and sleep did not come easily. Without Yamato's presence at his back, his blankets did not feel quite warm enough. Without the faint sound and movement of Yamato's breathing beside him, the room felt too still, too quiet.

When he finally managed to drop off he woke up seven different times throughout the remainder of the night, disoriented for brief seconds each time until he recalled that he was not sleeping with Yamato because Yamato was on a mission beyond Konoha's borders.

The morning found him weary, unrested, and perplexed. It made no sense-Root training and assignments had regularly necessitated that operatives take their sleep under very adverse conditions, and Sai had slept more than once crouched high in a tree in heavy rain. Nights spent beneath his own roof, in his own bed, should be effortless.

Normally he went to Yamato with questions about anything he didn't understand, but with Yamato gone he wasn't sure exactly what to do. He thought he might talk to Sakura or Kakashi or Naruto, or possibly Kakashi's good friend Maito Gai, but he hadn't found any of them before Yamashiro Aoba tracked him down to assist with the roofing of the reconstructed orphanage in the western residential district. He and one of his birds were instrumental in maneuvering materials into place and the work kept his mind occupied, let his puzzlement over his restless night recede. Still, he found himself thinking-several times-that Yamato's talents would also be extremely useful in the roofing process, that Yamato's company would make the work more pleasant as well, would make the time pass quickly, as the saying went.

The project kept him busy all day, and it was only later in the evening, as he prepared for bed, that he realized he'd forgotten about asking his team-members for advice.

~*~  
The second night passed much the same as the first; the following morning found him equally unrested and increasingly perplexed.

"I don't understand," he said to Sakura, after explaining his thoughts and his restlessness later that afternoon. "I've slept in my apartment for a very long time. Why has it become so difficult now?"

"It sounds like you're lonely without him," Sakura offered, and Sai couldn't adequately interpret the expression on her face.

"Then...this is what 'loneliness' feels like?"

"I'm pretty sure, yeah." Sakura's smile was kind, and a little bit sad-_sympathetic_, Sai decided.

"What should I do about it?" It was a hollow and unpleasant feeling and Sai was already certain that he didn't like it.

"Well, there isn't really much you _can_do," she admitted. "It's normal to be lonely when people are away; spending time with your friends might help, but it's probably not going to get much better until he comes back."

~*~  
He let himself in to Yamato's apartment on the third night, thinking that perhaps it might help counter the loneliness Sakura had diagnosed him with. He wasn't entirely certain that it didn't qualify as breaking-and-entering, but since the wards and traps had all been keyed to include his chakra signature anyway, he decided that Yamato would not be likely to object.

It was better, keeping to the familiar routine of spending his nights in Yamato's space, but at the same time it was slightly disconcerting and unsettling, because Yamato was not there.

He wanted Yamato to be there. He would have...felt better, if Yamato was there.

He recognized that this feeling was neither logical nor rational; both he and Yamato had been assigned missions apart from the other with intermittent regularity, and there was no reason to expect that this would not continue. The desire to have Yamato home when Sai knew he was away was both senseless and futile.

Knowing this did not make it any easier to dismiss.

He bathed with Yamato's soap and washed his hair with Yamato's shampoo, just for the familiarity of the scent. He slept naked in Yamato's bed, face buried against the pillow that smelled of Yamato, and woke in the middle of the night to a very insistent erection.

He wasn't accustomed to dealing with his physical arousal by himself; generally Yamato was both the cause of and the solution to the issue, and prior to their relationship the suppression techniques taught to him in Root had served to deal with any errant erections.

He had experimented with pleasuring himself several months ago, during the first week or so of his initial interest in sex; he hadn't bothered with it since, mostly because release was far more satisfying when it was Yamato's doing. With Yamato not expected back for two more weeks at the least, however, Sai decided that this might be a prudent time to practice.

He tried masturbating; it felt pleasant, certainly, and no doubt if he kept at it long enough he could eventually reach climax, but it was...empty, at the same time. It wasn't what he wanted, did nothing to assuage the sense of need in him. He wanted to feel _Yamato_touching him, not his own disinterested grip. He wanted the weight of Yamato's body above him, the wet heat of Yamato's mouth against his, the warmth of Yamato's hands on his skin. He wanted the intimacy of sex with Yamato. He wanted the comfort and contact of Yamato's arms around him, Yamato's breath in his hair while he fell asleep; he wanted all the physical reminders of the bond they'd formed between them.

Masturbation did not provide any of it.

He gave up in short order, employed an old suppression technique, and went back to sleep.

~*~  
He slept at Yamato's apartment on the fourth night as well, and every night thereafter. He slept better, despite waking to the occasional midnight erection, but he still felt Yamato's absence acutely.

The days wore on, and Sai's loneliness did not abate. If anything, it grew more pronounced, but he was prepared for that after talking with Sakura. Thoughts of Yamato came to mind whatever he did, be it rebuilding work or preparing dinner or 'hanging out' with Naruto and his friends or sketching scenery in the park. He did not know the particulars of Yamato's mission, but he hoped it would not last longer than projected. He hoped that Yamato would be successful with minimal complications or difficulties; he wanted Yamato's mission to go well.

He hoped that Yamato was also feeling loneliness because of being away from Sai, even as he suspected that his comrades would tell him hoping such a thing was peculiar and somewhat questionable.

He hoped, above all, that Yamato returned safely.

~*~  
Early on the twenty-third evening, when Sai was unlocking the front door of Yamato's apartment, he was startled by an unexpected voice behind him.

"Oh, I was _hoping_you'd be here-"

Sai turned abruptly, kunai reflexively in hand, and found himself blinking at an unmasked and unarmored ANBU whose uniform looked decidedly in need of laundering.

"Hey." Yamato's smile was weary, but warm, and the look in his eyes was nothing but fond.

The kunai fell back into Sai's thigh holster, forgotten. "Yamato-"

There was a brief sense of tension inside of him breaking and he moved without really thinking about it, wrapping his arms around Yamato's neck to pull himself close against the other and pressing his mouth to Yamato's. Something that he thought might be relief washed through him, pleasure in its wake, inciting greater and greater urgency to his kissing; it was as if finally having Yamato here with him again amplified the loneliness that had plagued him all through Yamato's absence, even as it filled that emptiness. He heard the muffled thump of Yamato's pack hitting the floor and felt Yamato's arms come around him, lift him up; he wrapped his legs securely around Yamato and kissed him and kissed him until dizziness forced him to break off, panting.

"Hah. Wow." Yamato grinned up at him, breathless and dirty and tired and somehow he'd never been more appealing to Sai than he was right that moment. "I missed you too."

Sai's breath caught on a little surge of understanding and realization as the words sank in and everything he'd ever read about people who were pained by the absence of a friend or lover finally made perfect sense.

"_Yes_," he said, with emphasis and just a touch of wonder. "I..._missed_you."

Yamato glanced down either direction of the communal balcony, verifying the absence of any neighbors, and his smile took on a mischievous if weary quality. "Why don't we go inside, let me clean up and get something to eat, and then I can show you just how _much_I missed you, alright?" He leaned up, pressed another lingering kiss to Sai's mouth, and Sai felt what was almost certainly anticipation bloom gently in his stomach.

"Is that a euphemism for sex?" he asked, when Yamato ended the kiss, and Yamato laughed lightly.

"Yes."

"Good."

Sai ended up initiating sex as soon as Yamato emerged from the shower, because Yamato was nude and damp and he smelled like soap and water and _Yamato_, and Sai was so aroused, and Yamato was _finally_home. He recalled that Yamato had mentioned the need to eat, but Yamato made no protest when Sai pressed up into his arms before he'd even finished drying off, and his hands were quick and willing when they dropped the towel and stripped off Sai's clothes.

Later, after, he theorized that perhaps the experience of loneliness had been worthwhile in leading to sex that felt as satisfying and intense as it had, and vowed to remember that thought when future missions separated them again.

~*~  
The twenty-third night, he slept naked in Yamato's bed with Yamato spooned warm at his back, Yamato's arm draped around his waist and Yamato's breath barely stirring his hair; he fell asleep with ease, and he slept the night through soundly.


End file.
